NEWs

Trust me, change is.....harder and easier than I ever thought it could be.  Never realized it till now.  However, I think I pinpointed what it is for me that helps change come about, and change for the better, just to be clear.  

    For me it starts by figuring out what and who I want and need to be.  What do I want to be seen as? What role do I want to play in the lives of those I interact with on a regular basis.  Who do I want to be to each person?  Do I want to be a co-worker, a friend, a brother, or maybe even husband in some situations.  I find that determining a balance between who I want to be and who I need to be is the start for me. 

    Second for me is setting my boundaries.  Taking a step back and looking at who I want and need to be, and seeing what will be conducive and what will be harmful to me being that person. At that point, I can set my boundaries and say "regardless of what happens, this is a key value that I will not give up on." If I set those boundaries, and determine those values when I'm not in any situations that present any real risk, I don't have to wonder if things will go south for me.

    Third, finally, and personally for me the biggest thing, is the people I choose to interact with.  I have a lot of circles that I have to be in, whether it's for work, or for sports, or travel, or whatever.  Those I have some control over, but not what I would call critical control. Those are people that it doesn't really matter if I am around them because I have reasons to be with them other than strictly being with them.  The interactions that I do have "critical control" over are those that I spend my free time with.  Those that I actively interact with solely for the sake of hanging out with or interacting with them.  Recognizing the difference between people that bring me pain and those who bring me joy is critical for me.  If you know anything about me, you know there's been a lot that has gone on for me with my emotions, and what that leads me to cling to.  However, finally letting go has been one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. Possibly my hospital visit did something that allowed me to finally break free of some of this stuff, but I absolutely love who I am now and love who I am becoming.  

    God's grace has been incredible to me, and I have seen so much of it.  I can't wait to see where he takes me in my future and I can't wait to learn even more how to give my life to him. 

Memories

 Guys, I don't mean to freak you out....

I was in the hospital over the weekend because I passed out. I don't know exactly what happened, because what I felt doesn't match the description of normal results of activities that were going on. Anyways, that being said, I've been having memory issues. I've had a lot of times where I don't recognize someone, only to be told later that they are someone who I was a really good friend with, or things to that effect. Just, I wanted to put that out there so that people know what's going on. I'm trying to figure out what's going on myself, but hang in there. Bear with me.

Soldiers in battle, side by side.  Against an unknown and unseen enemy, having fellow soldiers doesn't guarantee that death will not come nor does it mean that conflict will be avoided.  However, what it does ensure is a stronger soldier so that when conflict does come, they have the confidence to face it head on. Soldiers push each other to be better.  They point out flaws and help to fix them.  They provide companionship and care, and at the same time they get each others back when the battle comes.  They never turn their back and run in the face of danger.  The commitment to their fellow soldiers gives them the strength to keep going. 

Similarly, and yet uniquely, friendship is a powerful bond. It is similar in that friends can not protect friends from everything that will come, but also in that they provide strength for each other. Similar in that friends push each other to be better by pointing out flaws, but providing ways to fix those flaws, and hope to do so. The bond of friendship is similar to the soldiers bond in that friends never turn their backs on each other, and always face difficulty together. 

However, the difference between the bond between soldiers and friends is that there is no need for reservation. Often times with soldiers bonds there is some need for reservation in how close you can get with your fellow soldiers.  How much of a bond you can forge because it is so easy to lose them.  However, friends for the most part are not going anywhere.  This is something I've been beginning to learn over the past two months or so.  Slowly I'm beginning to realize it is worth it to begin investing in the people around me and being able to form connections, and allowing to be and valuing them investing in me.  

It's a little bit scary for me, not going to lie.  It is something I'm certainly not used to, and is a bit like going from the meadow of what I call comfort into the forest, not knowing what is inside.  Could it turn out to bite me? Yes, no question about it.  Am I still willing to risk that? .....I'm starting to be.

Starting week 2

 Well, starting week two of quarantine. Still don't have any symptoms, so that's a good sign. I'm bored, but I gotta say, breaks from social media make me feel less alone. It's kinda weird. I think it's cuz I don't see all the stuff people are doing that I'm not doing or whatever if I had to guess. That being said, I still miss people and can't wait to be back on the roster for doing random stuff. 

Love y'all. See ya soon I hope

Away

So, why am I away from social media right now? Well, I just find my memories are like open wounds. Till they heal, messing with them will just te-open them. When I see the people who made those memories, whether they be bad memories or good memories I know will never happen again, it's like reopening those wounds. Additionally, I'm sick and tired of this whole "oh yeah, we should totally hang out sometime" stuff because sometime never comes. It makes it really hard to believe that they actually want to hang out ever and I am just done with it all. For me social media has always been a thing to be a "until we can hang out in person" type thing. But if people aren't ever going to actually try to hang out the forget it. So yeah, that's why.

That being said, I'm not abandoning anyone. I wouldn't be doing this if there was even one person that I cared about that wouldn't have a way to contact me if they needed, or don't have means to figure out how to if they want to. If you're reading this, I'm always here for you if you need me. Call me at 2:00am if you need, I don't care. I will drop what I'm doing if there's anything I can ever do to help you

One set of prints

 One set of prints in the snow. If something happened to me, no one would know. At least not for a while. There wouldn't be anyone there in time to help. That's what scares me. Not that I will not be able to be helped, but that at some point I won't be able to help. It scares me when people want to isolate themselves, whether it be out of fear, pain, anything. It scares me because I won't be able to help and that's the one thing that I want to do for my friends and those are considered to be my family the most.

So if you're reading this, I'm here for you. No matter what happens, I am always here for you. Doesn't matter if it's the dead of night, if you need someone to help you, call. If you need someone to talk to, call. I live to serve and sometimes the greatest way for me to receive love is to be able to show it. I will lay my life down for you if need be without a second thought, and have absolutely no regrets. Anyone who knows me knows that I hold nothing back, and there is no length to which I will not go for those that I love.

Fear: risk and reward

 There are some elements of fear that are given to us as gifts from God to keep us safe. There are other elements however, caused by the devil to cause divisions. I reference a time when I wasn't sure if I should reach out to my friend on their birthday because we hadn't talked for so long, and I was worried it would be awkward at best. However, as Will Smith said, "God placed the best things in life on the other side of terror." 

It also kinda reminded me of how much a simple "thank you" can really mean. I mean, I don't know what I expected from my friend considering the circumstances, but it wasn't for them to say thank you. I guess it's a little reminder of how much power words actually have for us as humans. 

Anyway, that's my bit for the day. The reason I say I'm recovering is because I'm recovering from myself. I've had a lot happen to me in the last few years and so I'm just starting to try to break out of my shell again. So yeh.